Post Midsem

Those days are very busy and nasty. Although I didnt perform well in so many subjects but I'm satisfied because finally it ended and I'll get what I deserve. I went to watch a play that night with anshul to treat myself. And that play was a real treat named 'shakkar ke paanch daane'. Came back and saw some of my so-called-friends chattering along roadside. Had a grand dinner in Gulmohar courtsey Anshul. So, That night was very good. After coming to my hostel I started watching Harry potter series. Although I've watched it infinite times with Dona. Slept in night and it was 2:00 PM when I woke up finally on saturday and I started watching the series again (The parts I couldnt watch last night after being drowsy). Then, quickly gone through the 4th and 5th book and started reading the 6th one (still reading).

Amazingly I didnt chat to anyone but for few minutes with ritu. My cell is also not working. So, I was not connected with outside world. I slept for hours n hours without caring anything else....I read the harry potter book for hours n hours without caring anything else. And suddenly (not so suddenly) I found that I'm changing towards so many things now and I really dont care for anything else. Not even of so-called-best-friends over here. Because during the exam I've realised so many new things. Like, If you have to survive here dont be dependent on anyone, not even on your friends because most of the time, the person who is pretending to be your nicest friend ever is not really a friend. I always think and I know that I'm good at judging people and what My mind says me is never ever wrong. But sometimes due to some emotional imbalance (right word!!??) I prefer my heart over my mind. Sometimes I knew that the person will not help me if I'm in need but still I help him/her. So, any sort of ditching-stuff dont come in my path unexpectedly. But, Even if you are expecting this, loosing your frineds hurts. It really hurts, even if you know that they were not so-friendly ever.

What I'm writing now may seem like a crap to anybody else but I dont give a damn. Yup! I'm writing without caring anything else. Last few days are good enough for me because I was all alone and I know it for now that without a single friend I can survive. (It doesn't mean that I will not love to have one. It is just like 'grapes are sour'). I'm fed up of everyone here. Specially, those who pretend to be my friend and who are all absent along all th(e/o)se days I need them. But, be happy my dear friends I've learnt to leave alone. I already knew (after 8.5 years of exile anyone will know). But, I was just trying to become so-called-normal. I was a damn fool to try so. Everyone is destined to live all alone.

Just before writing this I tried to chat with ritu. But, after few moments somehow I realised that It is not worth taking one more risk. Yup! I dont believe relationships so much that I could reveal my-trueself. I know aftre reading this you will be hurted atleast a little annoyed. But, I'm trying to be honest. I've seen so many my so-called-friends behaving strangely even if they are physically present. So, How can I rely on you?? I'm sorry that I'm saying this but, even if you want to help me by your heart u can't. 'coz you are not here. And neha! I'm saying it to you as well.

My Personality

I always wanted to write something about me but I never wrote a bit because I was always unaware of myself. I couldnt ever find adequete words fro explaing my situation. And Today I got a link of a psychological test. Intially and while giving the test I thought It is stupid and crap. But, After reading the results I'm amazed. I cant find better words for myself than the tet found out. Have a look at mine result and If interested take the colourquiz here.

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My existing situation
Seeks to share a bond of understanding intimacy in an esthetic atmosphere of peace and tenderness.

My stress sources
Unfulfilled expectations have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness. Badly needs to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige. Doubtful that things will be any better in the future, but inclined nevertheless to make exaggerated demands or reject compromise.

My Restrained Characteristics

1. situation is preventing him from establishing himself, but he feels he must make the best of things as they are.
2. Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing him to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being

My desired objecive
Seeks freedom from problems and a secure state of physical ease in which to relax and recover.


My actual Problem:

1. Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and he is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. He attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which he can relax and feel more contented.
2. The fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants increases his need for security and freedom from conflict. Is therefore seeking stability and an environment in which he can relax.

Don't think you are, know you are

Today I watched three movies, the matrix trilogy. I've watched it earlier also. Why I wanted to watch is not clear to me. It is simply like I was browsing our LAN and then found DVD print of this whole series and then I felt like watching. So I watched. It's all complicatedly simple.

Today I saw the attendence sheet in CE201 tutorial. I've already missed 3 tutorials out of 7. And I've missed 5 classes also. In MA203, in last three lectures I was absent in two. Hey ram! What I'm going to do? rather the more accurate question is what they are going to do..? It is going to affect me badly. Am I so casual or just pretending to be..? Well I'm not sure.

Now-a-days I'm not sure about so many things. But, past few days were very good for me. Its all started with my b'day 4th sep. My old friend 'Nin' called me asking for some help. Although I couldnt help her but she helped me alot. Well..! She reminded Dona my birthday and I was surprised to see dona's sms and then call. Oops! I missed her so much. After 5-6 months of confusion it's all seems fine. .

Ya! I met a girl that day named 'nitika' from Pune. She is a friend of my friend Mudrika. Now, why I'm writing here about her. Well, sometimes I forget the name of the girls I meet and sometimes I cant recognise the girl. Recently 'shipra dhami' mailed me. And I was thinking for an hour ki who is she? Suddenly I realised that I worked with her for few days on a project and had a long walk in IIT on a pleasant evening. Also I chatted her afterwards. When I met her, I was in 1st year 2nd sem and she was completing her M.Tech. One more girl were there with her pooja. anyway, That day I've decided to write about every person I met across my life. So that, I can recall them any time.

So, I was talking about my b'day. One more important thing, That day our hostel won the 'inter hostel dramatic competiton'. I was also in the cast with akhil and anmol. All three got special mention.

Anyway, As any other weekend I've decided to study. I'm not sure if I'm going to do what I've decided. It is raining now. I wanted to be in rain but having cold n cough. I remember some lines from the movie moulin rouge: "out there it may be raining, In here its entertaining."

I'vent wrtten about these lines naa. Once in class of 'transport phenomena' Shenoy sir was elaborating soemthing and he said, '....out there is.....' and I've written these lines on my notebook. then he said, '...you can see here...; and I've added two more lines (although I'm terrible in english, but at that moment perfect words came into my mind). Then he started talking about 'region' and I added two more lines. I read these 6 lines together and I found that these lines were depicting the exact mental status of mine at that time. After reading these lines again, I remembered the promish I made with myself. And I started studying in that class.

Out there it may be raining
In here is entertaining.
Out there you can see tire
In here I'm full of desire.
Out there is shady region
In here is clear vision.

Main point is, after street play thing I started my sudy again with moral support of some of my very good friends. But then, Drama competition came into the picture and again I messed up with myself. Neither I'm blaming nor I'm regretting. I'm just mentioning. It is a problem with myself. I cant do two very different things simultaneously (sometimes I can do 10 at a time, but not if one of them is drama). I always prefer drama and my friends over anything else. Although I know ki most of my friends are not my friend.

I've started talking about friends. Isn't it a little strange that I'm swithing the topics too fast. Actually, I have so many thoughts scattering around in mind and my hands cant type as fast as my mind thinks. So, friends...oh! I forget to introduce my new friend ravali. She is from Hyderabad and in 1st year civil engg. We spent alot of time together chatting and talking..I should write nice time. huh! And the rumours are we are a pair. What the hell?

This rumour thing is best (or worst!?) part in IIT. Although I dont give a damn to it but, everyone is not alike. Now, I'm wondering ki I started with the movie matrix and I ended it here. See the post title again, "Don't think you are, know you are'. I guess, I havnt written what I was going to write but written what I dont want to.

I dont think I am, also I dont know I am. But, I think that I know I am.

Parineeta

I just watched this movie. A movie freal like me have not watched it yet is an interesting story. When themovie was released then our exams were going on. I asked some of my friends but they all were preparing for the exam. And as soon as exam got over, I asked them again. And Lo! sabne dekh liyatha.:D

When cam print of this movie came in insti then I tried watching it. I had decided with one of my friend ki while she will be watching in movie theatre, I'll watch this movie in my room. She watched and I couldnt 'coz the print wa not so good. Today DVD print came. So, I watched.

Anyway nice movie. I cant forget this. Sometimes while watching, a fear was coming n going in mind. Fear to have misunderstandings in such a charming relation. I'm still horrified. What if....No! let that fear within me only.

Things that I left

So, this post is a sequel of last one..:D

I was talking about the streetplay. Well, we got 2nd position (they cutted down our marks just fro nothing...judge said ki we were on first. Anyway, St. Xavierites are always like that:P). And I was awarded as overall 'Best Actor'. Some photos of performance are here and here and here.

Another interesting thing I can remember is the concert of famous flute player "Pandit Hari Prasad chaourasia" with tabla player "vijay ghate". I was comparing. I felt too exicted to see and talk and have photographs with two living legends. One group photo is here.

Also we went for wing treat in hotel orchid. chk out some photos here.

These were some past event when I couldnt write for some reasons. Latest news: I celebrated my b'day on 4th sep. I've so many things to write. Wait for next post for Sep 1st week happenings.:)

The August

This is the first entry in august that I'm writing particular for this blog. It doesnt mean that nothing important has happened. As a matter of fact this month is most important month of this year till now.

So, let me start by saying ki why I was not writing these days...? The very first reason is sometimes I was too busy to write anything....sometimes I was too tired to sit on computer...sometimes I was too sleepy to think....sometimes I was too sad to write.

Yes! This month was (although 'is') a month of extremeties for me. I realised ki I havent even written properly in july. So, here is the explanation...I was at my home during the july days. About home...well! I dont want to discuss it here aur wo bhi after so many days. I loved to go there...and I think ki going for 2 weeks was a good decision. '2 week vacation' is long enough to meet ur family and short enough to keep feeling good (jyada me to bore hone ka chance ho jata hai).

After coming back from home, I was serious about my studies. And hey! serious bole to..really serious. I was sitting on first bench. waking at 8:00 AM. Attending all the lectures. Actullay listening the professors...was seriously communicating with them. Everything was going fine....and suddenly...St. Xavier's college fest arrived. I took part in streetplay. And this decision made the differences.

Although I'm not regreting the play-decision.
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This is somthing I started on 28th august and could not complete it. well...I dont want to complete what I left. May be ki I'll post another postingt. let it b as it was.